its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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