Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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