I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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