It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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