went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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