Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
