I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
