Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
