Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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