had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
