ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize