Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
