I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
