i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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