When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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