PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
