I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
