I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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