pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
