i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
