Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
