Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
