I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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