Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
