She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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