This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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