What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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