At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
