I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
