it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
