chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize