Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
