matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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