cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
