Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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