well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
