I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
