I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
