spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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