She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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