i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
