I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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