I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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