i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize