I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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