y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize