I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you had me at cake vodka
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
