Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Randomize
