My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i believe in u and ur pee
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
