i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
