im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
