Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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