Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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