This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
