the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
