My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
