Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
