A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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