This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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