I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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