I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
