So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
