May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
