I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
