To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
