Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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