I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
