Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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