My hand turned me down
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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