new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize