i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
